Once a Girl, Always a Boy by Jo Ivester

Author:Jo Ivester
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2020-06-14T16:00:00+00:00

Jo

EMILY DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE ME WITH HER FOR her pre-op appointment. I started to join her when they called her name from the doorway, but she stopped me.

“Umm, Mom, you can wait out here if you want.”

“That’s okay, sweetie. I can come in with you.” I glanced at the nurse to make sure that was really the case.

“Actually, I’d rather you not,” said Emily.

“You don’t want me to?” I asked.

“Not really,” she said. “This is all kinda personal.”

Had I said something that made her worry I’d embarrass her? I knew I tended to jump in with questions. Maybe Emily thought that would make her feel less in control of the situation, as if I didn’t trust her to ask her own questions. If that were the case, I wished she could’ve just said so. I could have stayed quiet. But then, this wasn’t about me. It was about how I could be the most helpful and what Emily needed.

Trying to distract myself, I picked up an old Time magazine and started to read. At first I was annoyed that the office didn’t keep something more current available. Then it occurred to me that this April edition was still there because the cover article was all about gay marriage. So much for getting my mind off of Emily’s choice to have top surgery.

I started looking around the room, imagining the back-story of each of the patients sitting there. Most were young men with neatly trimmed beards. It took a moment for me to realize that they were all transgender and on testosterone. Emily was adamant that she wasn’t like them, that she was here only to treat her physical gender dysphoria. She believed that once she had a flat chest, she’d be happy. That all she wanted was to look androgynous, neither male nor female.

I thought there was more to it than that. Emily was in denial. She was more like all the young men in the waiting room than she admitted. I believed she just hadn’t accepted it yet. I hadn’t said this to her, partly because it was her journey to follow and partly because I hoped I was wrong, that she’d be satisfied with this step and not want to take it any further. That she wasn’t like the transgender men in the doctor’s waiting room and her life would be easier than theirs. That she wouldn’t have to change everything about herself, be completely different, stop being Emily. And that she wouldn’t have to deal with the discrimination that transgender people face every day just for being who they are.

I got a little choked up looking around. The patients all looked so young, barely out of their teens. Yet only one had a parent with him. How could anyone know their child was going through such a traumatic procedure and not want to be right there? The one other mom who was there looked as if she wished she weren’t. Instead of chatting quietly with her son, she stared off into the distance, only looking his way when he reached out and took her hand.

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